How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Microchip

So for those of you who missed it, there is a company in Wisconsin who will become the first U.S. company to provide employees with implantable microchips. Starting August 1, Three Square Market will offer employees the chance to place a microchip under the skin between their thumb and forefinger that will allow employees the ability to buy things in the break room, use computers, open doors and other various day to day duties quicker then they are able to do it now. Three Square Market is doing this because they feel that it will increase employee moral and productivity. Three Square Market also assures everyone that there is no GPS features and the microchip is similar to an office RFID keycard.

When I first read this story I was SO against it, I believe phrases like “Orwellian” “1984” and “not a chance in…” (you can fill in the blank, Stolendroids is a family friendly website) were all used. I was prepared to write a stinging blog about how wrong this was, my words would be so moving I imagined a mob of readers would grab their nearest pitchforks and torches and we would together march to Wisconsin to put an end to this madness. I would be the hero of a microchip free America, maybe even get a few statues put up of me, and when Skynet inevitably takes over, it wouldn’t get a foothold in America because of me. I was going to be a hero, but then I looked at it from a slightly different (and far geekier) point of view, and now I would totally be the first in line to get my chip, and here is why…

I can use the Force!!! I mean come on lets be real, every time you go into a grocery store with the automatic door sensors you wave your hand just before it opens and think to yourself “The force is strong with this one” but now you can do that all day every day, AND get paid for it! I walk in every morning, the doors open up at my command, I wave my hand at the time clock without breaking stride, a Jedi has more important things to do then stop and clock in. I go on break and watch as my coworkers struggle to get their dollar bill crisp enough to not get spit back out from the machine before I calmly use the Force to get my Twix bar to fall at my command. I need to make copies, no problem I confidently walk right up to the machine, wave my hand and say “You don’t need my identification number” “You will make me four copies of this page”.

Last but certainly not least, this would be me EVERY Casual Friday…